Every 6 months or so, for the past three years, I've put in an application to yerf.com. Some of you may be familiar with this gallery site - most aren't because they reject almost every artist who applies. And even though I know I'm not as good as half the artists around open galleries like VCL, I build up my confidence anyway, hoping that maybe, this time will be it.

And every time, I get the most scathing reviews. "They don't have enough clothes on!" "Your shading/anatomy/etc. is all off." "The hair looks like a fluffy octopus" "You don't do your own backgrounds" etc. etc. etc. Loosely translated, "You have no business applying here with these worthless scribbles." You can read the rest here: [link]

I don't know why this hurts anymore. You'd think I'd expect it by now. But it does, and it makes me question the reason why I go on, even trying to be an artist. And I doubt everything I ever believed in, and all the friends who encouraged me to keep trying, and I feel that I've let them all down. I feel worthless, useless, and like I have no talent for anything at all.

And in another six months, I'll dust myself off and apply again, and go through this all over again.

Because I'm a masochist.

And as much as I hate those feelings, I keep doing it, banging my head against the proverbial wall till the blood runs down my face and my throat is raw from screaming. Because I still have that little glimmer of hope that needs to be crushed. A touch of pride that needs to be flattened.

After all, you can't spell 'painting' without 'pain', can you?

-K

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